Growing up with undiagnosed Asperger’s, I struggled socially. I didn’t pick up on unspoken rules, missed social cues, and was often bullied.
Over time, I learned a simple rule for survival: “Don’t trust anyone,” because in my mind, it was only a matter of time before they would turn on me.
As an adult, that belief shaped how I approached new relationships. I’d often start off interactions in an openly antagonistic way to test people right from the beginning.
👉 My thinking was, “If they’re going to turn on me, I might as well find out now.” For those who could tolerate my initial abrasiveness, we sometimes became acquaintances or even friends.
However, in hindsight, I can see how this approach backfired. I’m sure many of the people I met had no ill intentions toward me, but I antagonized them so much that they ended up disliking me, and when it happened, I could tell myself, “See, I knew they’d be like that.”
It took years of therapy and intentional practice to change my approach, but I gradually learned how to start interactions in a positive way that gave people a fair chance.
I still regret the opportunities I lost along the way, but I’m grateful that now I can approach people without assuming the worst.
👉 I see the same thing happen in the workplace. I’ll be talking with someone who’s about to go into a meeting, and they’ll say, “I know exactly how it’s going to go.”
I’ve observed that “how it’s going to go” is rarely a positive vision. Usually, it’s a certainty that their counterpart will be combative and the meeting will be an unproductive argument with little to no benefit.
Depending on the situation, I might ask, “Have you ever heard the expression ‘going in loaded for bear’?” It’s an old expression that reduces down to, “I’m expecting maximum hostility and I’m armed for combat.”
💡 It might be a great strategy for surviving in the wild, but you probably want to dial it down a few notches if the only thing you’re doing is heading into a conference room.
How often do you walk into a meeting prepared for battle?
References: Frank JD, Frank JB. Persuasion and Healing: A Comparative Study of Psychotherapy. JHU Press; 1973.
Post Title: When you expect hostility, you’ll usually find it. Even if you have to create it yourself.