There’s a game people play called “Why Don’t You–Yes, But” (YDYB). It’s prevalent when people gather in groups, and I’ll bet you’ll see people playing it within the next few days.
Here’s an example of YDYB in the workplace.
Player 1: “She’s done it again! It’s two days until the presentation, and now she wants to change the format, graphs, and recommendations. Oh my God, she’s ridiculous to work with. I’m soooo pissed off about this! What should I do?”
Player 2: “Why don’t you set deadlines for decisions and stick to them?”
Player 1: “Yes, but she just says we didn’t agree to any.”
Player 3: “Why don’t you document all the deadlines in an email so you have a written record of your agreements.”
Player 1: “Yes, but she just misses them anyway.”
Player 4: “Why don’t you tell her it’s too late to make any changes?”
Player 1: “Yes, but then she’ll just go to Ken, and he’ll demand I do what she wants.”
Player 5: “Why don’t you ask people on your team to help make the changes?”
Player 1: “Yes, but no one else is familiar with the data or the presentation, so it’d take too long time to get them up to speed.”
Player 1 is a master at YDYB, and after successfully shooting down four suggestions from the group, they will probably receive the payoff they’re hoping for.
The payoff for Player 1 is a brief silence followed by one of the other players saying, “Wow, there’s just nothing you can do, is there?”
It probably seems weird that people want to engage in games of YDYB, but that’s because the payoff is below the surface of the conversation.
The point of the game isn’t to solve the problem. Player 1 aims to prove that no one can provide them with a satisfactory recommendation.
Each time Player 1 rejects a suggestion from the other players, they receive a small amount of joy.
However, the true satisfaction of the game is the silence at the end. When everyone is quiet because the group has exhausted themselves trying to help Player 1 solve their problem.
Then, Player 1 is victorious. They have demonstrated that they aren’t the flawed one. Everyone else is.
Do you ever find yourself playing YDYB?
References: Harris TA. I’m OK, You’re OK. Random House; 1967.
Post Title: You can’t help someone who’s more committed to their excuses than their growth.
Mastering the ‘Why Don’t You–Yes, But’ Game at Work
