Licensed therapists spending ten sessions with a patient only see improvement 50% of the time.¹ So, it’s unrealistic to think you’ll get a toxic coworker to improve their behavior after a few minutes of conversation. Here are four reasons you’re likely to fail.

1) People Aren’t Self-Aware

People only change their behavior when they believe the benefits of changing outweigh the effort to change.² Toxic coworkers are unlikely to see any benefits in changing because they probably don’t see their behavior as an issue. Self-awareness is a limited resource, and people tend to believe they are far better at something than they are. A person’s lack of self-awareness can extend to their emotional intelligence (EI), which links directly to interpersonal skills.³

The Components of Emotional Intelligence⁴

• Perceiving emotions – social-awareness
• Understanding emotions – self-awareness
• Managing emotions – self-regulation
• Appropriate use of emotions in interpersonal relationships – interpersonal skills

2) The Dunning-Kruger Effect

Unfortunately, people with the worst interpersonal skills are the people most likely to overestimate their level of EI.³ This overestimation results from the Dunning-Kruger effect, which states that the less a person knows about a subject, the more confident they are about their subject knowledge. Your toxic coworker is probably blind to how others view their conduct, so they are confident their actions are acceptable behavior.^5,6 They are likely to feel secure about their perfect sense of self, and providing feedback to them is unlikely to translate into change.^7,8

“People don’t resist change; people resist being changed.”

Alfie Kohn

3) The Toxic Cycle

When a toxic corker needs an ego boost, they might try to socially engage with others. However, their insensitive behavior and cold approach will likely result in people rebuffing their efforts. The result is the toxic coworker will search for an alternative solution to enhance their ego, such as abusive behaviors (insults, yelling, etc.). When the ego boost from their abusive behavior wears off, the toxic coworker will eventually need to repeat the toxic cycle to get another boost.⁹

4) People Resist Being Changed

“People don’t resist change; people resist being changed.”¹⁰ People are generally not receptive to feedback and will seek ways to protect their self-view.¹¹ If you tried once to change a toxic coworker’s behavior and they declined, they are even more unlikely to change when you persist. Suppose you manage to persuade them the behavior is an issue, and they agree the behavior is distressing. In that case, there is a chance they might change their behavior to coincide with their newly stated opinion. However, if they disagrees with you about the inappropriateness of their behavior and you continue to press them about it until they agree, they are far less likely to change.¹²

Don’t try to force a toxic coworker to change. It will only end in frustration. Remember, people only change their behavior when they believe the benefits of changing outweigh the effort it will take.²

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References

1. Lambert MJ, Bergin AE, Garfield SL. The effectiveness of psychotherapy. Encyclopedia of Psychotherapy. 1994;1.
2. Mason PT, Kreger R. Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder. New Harbinger Publications; 2010.
3. Ames DR, Kammrath LK. Mind-reading and metacognition: Narcissism, not actual competence, predicts self-estimated ability. Journal of Nonverbal Behavior. 2004;28(3):187-209.
4. Sheldon OJ, Dunning D, Ames DR. Emotionally unskilled, unaware, and uninterested in learning more: Reactions to feedback about deficits in emotional intelligence. Journal of Applied Psychology. 2014;99(1):125.
5. Wilson TD. Strangers to Ourselves. Harvard University Press; 2004.
6. Kruger J, Dunning D. Unskilled and unaware of it: how difficulties in recognizing one’s own incompetence lead to inflated self-assessments. Journal of personality and social psychology. 1999;77(6):1121.
7. Heath C, Heath D. Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard. Random House of Canada; 2010.
8. Dunning D. The Dunning–Kruger effect: On being ignorant of one’s own ignorance. In: Advances in Experimental Social Psychology. Vol 44. Elsevier; 2011:247-296.
9. Morf CC, Rhodewalt F. Unraveling the paradoxes of narcissism: A dynamic self-regulatory processing model. Psychological inquiry. 2001;12(4):177-196.
10. Kohn A. Punished by Rewards: Twenty-Fifth Anniversary Edition: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes. HMH Books; 1999.
11. Mele AR. Real self-deception. Behavioral and Brain Sciences. 1998;20(1):91-102.
12. Festinger L, Carlsmith JM. Cognitive consequences of forced compliance. The journal of abnormal and social psychology. 1959;58(2):203.

Many articles tell you how to deal with toxic coworkers. Here are three pieces of advice you should approach with caution.

1) Tuning Out Toxic Coworkers

In 2011, Tavanti made several suggestions for dealing with a toxic coworker. One of the proposals is for you to “develop indifference and emotional detachment.”¹ Simply ignoring or trying to deny the abusive behavior exists does not reduce the amount of pain it causes. The net effect of failing to process the pain could result in far more emotional discomfort. By choosing to process the toxic behavior as it happens, your emotional immune system can activate, and you can begin to heal.²

2) Escalating to Your Manager or the HR Department

You should think carefully before following the advice of articles encouraging people to reach out to Human Resources (HR), your manager, or someone above your manager.^1,3 You need to be careful not to put yourself in a worse situation by having unrealistic expectations about what HR might do. When people have unrealistic expectations, they tend to overlook the risks involved with their actions.⁴ Ask yourself, what will happen if I go to my manager or HR and neither does anything to fix the problem? What will happen if my boss or HR informs the toxic coworker I made a complaint? Relying on HR is a risky strategy considering only 15% of people found their employers helpful in dealing with these issues.^5,6 Regardless of what happens, the toxic coworker will not view your complaint as a learning opportunity. Instead, they will view it as a direct attack and are likely to respond with more abuse.

By choosing to process the toxic behavior as it happens, your emotional immune system can activate, and you can begin to heal.

3) Unstructured Confrontation

You can always stand up to the toxic coworker, but poorly planned confrontation can make things worse.^1,3,5 One researcher found 85% of the people who chose to avoid or confront the toxic individual were unhappy with the outcome. Other research has found confrontation with toxic coworkers unsatisfying.^3,5 Part of the reason people might be so disappointed with the conflict is that they had unrealistic expectations or used ineffective techniques to establish boundaries. Setting healthy boundaries with abusive people is essential, but when facing an abuser, it’s not only what you say, but also how you say it.

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References

1. Tavanti M. Managing toxic leaders: Dysfunctional patterns in organizational leadership and how to deal with them. Human Resource Management. 2011;2011:127-136.
2. Wilson TD, Gilbert DT. Affective forecasting. Advances in experimental social psychology. 2003;35:345-411.
3. Whicker ML. Toxic Leaders : When Organizations Go Bad / Marcia Lynn Whicker. Quorum Books; 1996.
4. Armor DA, Taylor SE. Situated optimism: Specific outcome expectancies and self-regulation. Advances in experimental social psychology. 1998;30:309-379.
5. Porath C. An antidote to incivility. Harvard business review. 2016;94(4):22.
6. Porath C, Pearson C. The price of incivility. Harvard business review. 2013;91(1-2):115-121.

There are several reasons a person becomes toxic in the workplace. Here are five you need to know. These may or may not apply to your situation, but diagnosing your toxic coworker is not the goal of this exercise. Instead, the goal is for you to expand your thinking about the person beyond the realm of “he’s just a jerk.”

1) Emotional Baggage

Everyone carries around emotional baggage, which is the sum of all the experiences, observations, and relationships you’ve had throughout your life.¹ Emotional baggage can be positive or negative depending on which experiences you’re tapping into during a situation. Keep this in mind when you’re evaluating the toxic individual. You’re only getting a glimpse of the person at a specific point in time. If you want to understand someone, you first need to think about and imagine what brought him to this point in his life.²

2) They’re Addicted to Conflict

The toxic coworker might be addicted to conflict because it’s a form of excitement.³ A behavioral addiction is when a person compulsively engages in a behavior that is harmful to himself or others. There is often tension or anxiety before committing the act, followed by a sense of pleasure and gratification after the action is complete.⁴ Behavioral addictions are common, with one study finding that 41% of people experienced a behavioral addiction over the prior twelve months.⁵

People with personality issues have difficulty integrating their internal reality with their external reality.

3) Shame

The toxic coworker might be struggling with perfectionism, leading to a shame spiral that results in the abuser lashing out to blame another person in an attempt to relieve his pain.¹ Perhaps his internal dialogue is something along these lines, “if I make one mistake at work, then everything I do at work must be wrong. If everything I do is wrong, people will see how worthless I am. If people see how worthless I am, they’ll fire me. So, I can’t do anything wrong. Whatever happened must be someone else’s fault!”³ People with personality issues have difficulty integrating their internal reality with external reality. In essence, they will fit their perception of the world to match their emotions. People either forget or are unaware that their view of the world is a subjective construct they created in their minds.⁵ Memory is an illusion. It is easy for people to unconsciously adapt their recollection of an event to match the narrative they want to believe.⁶

4) Displaced Aggression

The toxic coworker might be a current or past victim of emotional or verbal abuse. It is a common occurrence for victims of abuse to become abusers themselves. The victims feel powerless when they are abused and seek to regain control of their lives by exerting control over another person.⁷ Displaced aggression is one form of this phenomenon. Displaced aggression occurs when someone cannot retaliate against an aggressor and, as a result, bottles up their frustration and then unleashes their pent-up rage on a safe target.⁸

5) Toxic Coworkers Are Unhappy

Toxic coworkers are unhappy with some aspect of their life, and their abusive behavior is a byproduct of their pain. People cannot control how they feel, but they are always responsible for their actions.⁹ You don’t need to give toxic coworker a free pass on their behavior because they are being bullied or abused by someone else. Instead, focus on what you can control, which is expanding the breadth of your empathetic awareness. Empathy for your abuser will allow you to process your feelings in a healthy fashion and reduce the adverse effects of the abuser’s behavior.

Remember, the possible reasons provided to explain a toxic coworker’s behavior may or may not apply to your situation, and diagnosing your coworker is not the goal of this exercise. Instead, the goal is to expand your ability to empathize with the person. The ability to empathize opens doors to various coping mechanisms to help process your emotions resulting from abusive behavior.

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References

1. Brown B. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Penguin Books Limited; 2013.
2. Alter A. Irresistible: The Rise of Addictive Technology and the Business of Keeping Us Hooked.
3. Mason PT, Kreger R. Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder. New Harbinger Publications; 2010.
4. Grant JE, Potenza MN, Weinstein A, Gorelick DA. Introduction to behavioral addictions. The American journal of drug and alcohol abuse. 2010;36(5):233-241.
5. Masterson JF. The Personality Disorders Through the Lens of Attachment Theory and the Neurobiologic Development of the Self: A Clinical Integration. Zeig, Tucker & Theisen; 2005.
6. Chabris C, Simons D. The Invisible Gorilla: And Other Ways Our Intuitions Deceive Us.
7. Stark S. Emotional Abuse. In: ; 2015:647-650.
8. Marcus-Newhall A, Pedersen WC, Carlson M, Miller N. Displaced aggression is alive and well: a meta-analytic review. Journal of personality and social psychology. 2000;78(4):670.
9. Camp J. Start with No: The Negotiating Tools That the Pros Don’t Want You to Know. Crown; 2011.

Toxic coworkers verbally and emotionally abuse other employees, and the victims can face lifelong consequences by leaving them feeling powerless, worthless, afraid, and at higher risk of mental illness.^1,2 The long-term effects can occur regardless of age or gender, even if the victim denies or minimizes the toxic behavior they’re facing.^1,3

1) Psychological Issues

When a person says something to you, his words have “a direct impact on your brain activity and your bodily systems.”⁴ Verbal abuse significantly impacts a person’s well-being, even if it is coming from a peer. For example, an extensive study on late teens and young adults found that high levels of exposure to verbal abuse were associated with significantly higher incidence rates of drug use and elevated psychiatric symptoms.⁵ A study of female victims of verbal abuse found that 63% of them met the criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).⁶ Additional psychological consequences of verbal and emotional abuse are listed below.

Psychological issues resulting from verbal and emotional abuse include:

• Symptoms of PTSD^1,3,6
• Depression^1,3
• Anxiety^1,3

2) Physical Issues

The more you’re exposed to the abuser, the more significant the impact it will have. Researchers found that physical differences in brains correlated with cumulative exposure to traumatic and stressful events, specifically in the limbic regions associated with regulating stress and emotion.⁷ Other physical problems can arise as well.

Physical issues resulting from verbal and emotional abuse include:

• Obesity²
• Ulcers and stomach problems ^1,2
• Asthma attacks²
• Frequent headaches^1,2
• Pain in the neck, back, or legs^1,2

3) It Follows You Home

The impact of workplace abuse can creep into other areas of your life. Victims may experience intrusive thoughts resulting in them replaying the abuse in their heads. When victims continue to focus on the abuse, it “prolongs the stress response beyond the actual [abusive] experiences.”^3,8 Prolonging the stress can override the benefits of your healthy relationships and increase the likelihood of suffering from depressive symptoms.⁹

It is essential to note people have different reactions to abuse, and what is traumatic for one person may not be traumatic to another. Therefore, you shouldn’t discount your feelings or pain just because other people insist they aren’t bothered by the toxic coworker’s abusive behavior.

References

1. Stark S. Emotional Abuse. In: ; 2015:647-650.
2. Khubchandani J, Price JH. Workplace harassment and morbidity among US adults: Results from the National Health Interview Survey. Journal of Community Health. 2015;40(3):555-563.
3. Verkuil B, Atasayi S, Molendijk ML. Workplace bullying and mental health: a meta-analysis on cross-sectional and longitudinal data. PloS one. 2015;10(8):e0135225.
4. Barrett LF. Seven and a Half Lessons about the Brain. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company; 2020.
5. Teicher MH, Samson JA, Sheu Y-S, Polcari A, McGreenery CE. Hurtful words: association of exposure to peer verbal abuse with elevated psychiatric symptom scores and corpus callosum abnormalities. American journal of psychiatry. 2010;167(12):1464-1471.
6. Mertin P, Mohr PB. Incidence and correlates of post-traumatic stress disorder in Australian victims of domestic violence. Journal of family violence. 2000;15(4):411-422.
7. Ansell EB, Rando K, Tuit K, Guarnaccia J, Sinha R. Cumulative adversity and smaller gray matter volume in medial prefrontal, anterior cingulate, and insula regions. Biological psychiatry. 2012;72(1):57-64.
8. Verkuil B, Brosschot JF, Gebhardt WA, Thayer JF. When worries make you sick: a review of perseverative cognition, the default stress response and somatic health. Journal of Experimental Psychopathology. 2010;1(1):jep-009110.
9. McGonagle KA, Kessler RC. Chronic stress, acute stress, and depressive symptoms. American journal of community psychology. 1990;18(5):681-706.

A toxic coworker is someone who verbally or emotionally abuses another person in the workplace. Unfortunately, other definitions inadvertently downplay the problem because they include coworkers who have a bad attitude, are uncivil, or have nothing positive to contribute during conversations.^1–4 You know you have a toxic coworker if you can answer yes to either of the questions below.

Are They Verbally Abusive?

Verbal abuse is similar to emotional abuse because the goal is to control another person.⁵ The primary types of verbal abuse are verbal threats, verbal assaults, abusive expectations, unpredictable responses, and gaslighting.⁶

• Verbal threats are when a person makes oral statements to elicit a fear response from the listener.⁷
• Verbal assaults include public reprimanding, humiliation, unjustified criticism, name-calling, screaming, threatening, excessive blaming, and sarcasm.⁸
• Abusive expectations are when “a person makes unreasonable demands and expects they will be your top priority.”⁸
• Unpredictable responses are when a person exhibits erratic behavior like dramatic mood swings and angry outbursts.⁸
• Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where the abuser makes the victim question their reality to make them feel like they are going crazy. Gaslighting is most effective when there is some form of social inequality involved, such as a manager-subordinate relationship.^8,9

A toxic coworker is someone who verbally or emotionally abuses another person in the workplace.

Are They Emotionally Abusive?

Emotional abuse is a continual series of behaviors designed “to control another person through the use of fear, humiliation, or physical assaults.”⁶ Common forms of emotional abuse include isolating a person from their social network, threatening their financial security, using physical force to cause harm, public or private shaming, intimidation, and harassment.^7–9 The goal of emotional abuse is to destroy the person’s self-esteem so they will feel powerless over their situation.⁸

Stop Labeling Abuse As Bullying

Society often labels abusive behavior as “bullying,” which almost makes it sound socially acceptable. However, it is more accurate to label most behaviors considered “workplace bullying” as verbal and emotional abuse.¹² The problem with using “bullying” and “abuse” as synonyms is that many view bullying as a normative process in life that can build character.¹³ Hopefully, people will be less likely to downplay the significant dangers of abusive behavior in the workplace when we apply appropriate terms to the behavior.

Toxic Coworkers Are Abusers

Correctly identifying toxic coworkers as abusers provides a foundation for developing strategies to deal with this crisis.

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References

1. Gallo A. How to Deal with a Mean Colleague. Harvard Business Review. Published online October 2014.
2. Porath C. An antidote to incivility. Harvard business review. 2016;94(4):22.
3. Gallo A. How to manage a toxic employee. Harvard Business Review. Published online 2016.
4. Nielsen MB, Einarsen S. Outcomes of exposure to workplace bullying: A meta-analytic review. Work & Stress. 2012;26(4):309-332.
5. Follingstad DR, Rutledge LL, Berg BJ, Hause ES, Polek DS. The role of emotional abuse in physically abusive relationships. Journal of family violence. 1990;5(2):107-120.
6. Beverly Engel M. The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself. Ballantine Books; 2017.
7. Muris P, Field AP. The role of verbal threat information in the development of childhood fear.“Beware the Jabberwock!” Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review. 2010;13(2):129-150.
8. Mason PT, Kreger R. Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder. New Harbinger Publications; 2010.
9. Sweet PL. The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review. 2019;84(5):851-875.
10. Stark S. Emotional Abuse. In: ; 2015:647-650.
11. Smith PH, Thornton GE, DeVellis R, Earp J, Coker AL. A population-based study of the prevalence and distinctiveness of battering, physical assault, and sexual assault in intimate relationships. Violence against women. 2002;8(10):1208-1232.
12. Ortega A, Høgh A, Pejtersen JH, Olsen O. Prevalence of workplace bullying and risk groups: a representative population study. International archives of occupational and environmental health. 2009;82(3):417-426.
13. Smith PK, Brain P. Bullying in schools: Lessons from two decades of research. Aggressive Behavior: Official Journal of the International Society for Research on Aggression. 2000;26(1):1-9.