Effective Coaching Strategies for Managers

It’s easy to forget how complicated people’s lives are until you’re sitting across from them in a one-on-one.

A few minutes in, and the conversation moves from frustrations with a teammate, to burnout at home, to worries about job security, to questions about their career growth. As a manager, it’s tempting to follow wherever the conversation leads, especially when you care about your team.

👉 The problem with that approach is that if you go down every path that shows up, you’ll end the meeting with your employee feeling heard, but nothing actually changes.

That’s why focus matters.

Coaching your employees goes beyond listening to their concerns. It’s about creating momentum for growth by circling back to the same goal week after week until there’s progress.

💡 So the next time you’re leading a coaching conversation, ask: “Out of everything we just discussed, where do you want to put your energy this week?” Then stick with it for the next month or two.

References: Budman SH, Gurman AS. Theory and Practice of Brief Therapy. Guilford Press; 1988.

Post Title: If you chase every topic that comes up in a one-on-one, don’t be surprised when nothing changes.

Navigating Power Struggles with Insecure Leaders

I’ve never reacted well to controlling leaders, especially when the control stems from insecurity.

When a leader masks their anxiety with domination, my instinct is to resist. They push harder, I push back, and before long, we’re locked in a power struggle neither of us is proud of.

👉 These days, I take a different approach. I treat it like a tactical game that lets us both feel a sense of agency without escalating the conflict.

1) I make space for their need to feel in charge, starting with an explicit acknowledgment of their formal role.

2) I present my feedback as a shared concern rather than a personal critique.

3) I show subtle empathy for the pressure they carry.

When I use these strategies, I feel more in control, not because I’m being manipulative, but because I’m choosing how to respond. I’ve found this shift is enough to keep the peace and move the work forward.

💡You don’t earn influence by poking at a leader’s insecurities. You do it by helping them feel safe enough to stop posturing and start listening.

What’s your strategy when you’re dealing with dominant personalities?

References: Palazzoli MS, Anolli L, Di Blasio P, et al. The Hidden Games of Organizations. Taylor & Francis; 1987.

Post Title: When dealing with a gatekeeper, the first step is proving you’re not trying to take their keys.

Understanding the Information Iceberg in Communication

I came across this communication model from Dr. Stephen Karpman and found it interesting enough to pass along. It’s called the Information Iceberg, and it breaks communication into four parts, only one of which is usually visible.

According to the model, most people focus on the Point they’re making (the tip of the iceberg), but that’s only a quarter of the message.

Here’s a breakdown of the four components:

1️⃣ The Point – This is the tip of the iceberg, the part people actually hear. It’s the headline or conclusion, like “We need to delay the launch.”

2️⃣ The Information – This is the explanation or context that supports the point. For example: “The QA team hasn’t signed off on the final build.”

3️⃣ The Importance – This layer explains why it matters: “If we push forward and customers encounter bugs, we’ll damage trust.”

4️⃣ The Intent – This final part reveals your motivation or emotional intent: “I’m not trying to be difficult—I care about protecting the brand.”

Karpman’s insight is simple: when people misunderstand or resist a message, it’s often because one or more of these layers was left out.

💡 If you find yourself repeating the same point over and over, it may not be your logic that’s lacking; it might be the missing layers beneath your words. Start adding the whole iceberg.

References: Karpman SB. A Game Free Life: The Definitive Book on the Drama Triangle and the Compassion Triangle by the Originator and Author. Drama Triangle Productions; 2014.

Post Title: Say the point, share the facts, show why it matters, and explain why you care.

Building Trust: The Dangers of Evasive Communication

There’s a difference between telling someone “I can’t say” and pretending there’s nothing to say. One is honest, and the other is a willful omission.

👉 I’ve seen managers withhold difficult information under the banner of “protecting the team.” They avoid updates, speak in vague generalities, or deflect concerns by saying everything is fine.

What they don’t realize is that people can feel the gap, even if they don’t know what’s missing. You don’t have to share every detail, but you do need to be transparent about when and why you’re holding something back.

A simple “There are updates I can’t give yet, but I’ll share more as soon as I can” goes a long way toward preserving trust. What matters most isn’t how much you say, it’s whether people believe you’re being straight with them.

💡In leadership, trust doesn’t erode all at once; it wears down through quiet omissions and evasive half-truths. If you want your team to trust you when it matters most, don’t pretend there’s nothing to say.

References: Steiner C. Scripts People Live: Transactional Analysis of Life Scripts. Grove Press; 1973.

Post Title: A half-truth is still a whole lie in the eyes of your employees.

Navigating Friendship and Leadership in Management

When I first became a manager, I thought I could hold onto the friendships I’d built in my department while still doing my job. That illusion lasted around eight months.

One of the earliest tests came when a couple of my friends in the department told me that their manager had shared salary range information they weren’t supposed to have.

They were furious because they believed they should’ve been earning more than others in what they felt were lesser roles. I asked them to give me the paper with the salary info, and that’s when everything fell apart.

👉 They panicked because they were afraid they’d get in trouble for telling me, and that’s when I realized how screwed I was.

If I told my boss what their manager was doing, I’d be betraying them. If I didn’t, I’d be neglecting my responsibility as a manager and ignoring a policy breach that could harm the company and the team.

Ultimately, I told my boss, and I lost my friends.

It was awful, but it taught me something I’ve never forgotten: there’s a limit to the type of friend you can be when you’re someone’s manager because your loyalties will be divided, and at some point you’ll have to pick a side.

💡 You can be a kind, compassionate leader, but don’t kid yourself into thinking you’re “just one of the team” when you’re making decisions that affect people’s pay, opportunities, and careers.

References: Haley J. Problem-Solving Therapy. John Wiley & Sons; 1976.

Post Title: You can’t be “just one of the team” and the boss at the same time.

Understanding Hidden Challenges in Leadership

When you’re managing people, it’s tempting to assume that obvious problems have obvious solutions.

You see someone repeating the same mistake, and your first thought is, “Why don’t they just do it differently? It’s an easy fix.”

👉 However, before you walk over to offer your insight, pause and ask yourself, “How quickly did I come up with that solution?” If it took five seconds, chances are high you’re not the first person to suggest it.

In reality, if something seems simple from the outside but keeps showing up in someone’s behavior, there’s usually something more complex underneath.

Maybe they’re stuck in a power dynamic they don’t feel safe naming, or there’s an incentive structure that discourages change. Maybe they already tried your solution, and it backfired.

What appears to be illogical might reflect an internal, interpersonal, or systemic entanglement.

💡 So instead of asking, “Why aren’t they fixing this?” try asking, “What might be making this harder than it looks?” That question will take you further as a leader than a dozen unsolicited solutions.

References: Lankton CH. Ecological Therapy. In: Brief Therapy: Myths, Methods, and Metaphors. Routledge; 1990:342-356.

Post Title: Just because someone seems easy to read doesn’t mean you’re reading them right.

Understanding Procrastination: The Role of Self-Loathing

Most of the people I’ve worked with don’t just delay tasks; they berate themselves while doing it.

People often describe their procrastination as passive, as though they’re just sitting still, waiting for motivation to strike, but if you pay attention to what’s going on inside their heads during that time, it’s anything but passive.

There’s usually a harsh, internal monologue running at full volume, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just do this? I’m useless,” and while that commentary may feel like it’s aimed at breaking the paralysis, it often reinforces it instead.

👉 I think of it as a balance scale: procrastination on one side, self-loathing on the other. The two create equilibrium.

People try to fix the problem by removing the procrastination, hoping it’ll lighten the shame, but no matter how many productivity hacks they try, the scale stays balanced.

Instead of attacking the procrastination, try lightening the self-loathing. Look for the underlying value your procrastination might be expressing.

One of my clients came up with this mantra:

“I’ve got too much on my plate right now, so I’m putting off this assignment because I value having energy with my family more than squeezing out one more deliverable at the office.”

That one sentence lightened the emotional load just enough to help her breathe, and within a week, she started checking things off her list without needing to be pushed.

💡 Sometimes procrastination is a sign that something matters, but self-loathing makes it hard to see that clearly. So if nothing else has worked, maybe it’s time to try a different strategy: compassion.

References: Goulding MM, Goulding RL. Changing Lives through Redecision Therapy. Grove Press; 1979.

Post Title: The real problem isn’t procrastination. It’s the self-loathing that follows.

The Connection Between Trust and Employee Engagement

The first thing to go is trust. The second is your employee.

That second part confuses people, especially when the person doesn’t quit, but sometimes the body stays, even though the spirit is gone.

👉 Susan had worked for Eric for nearly a decade. She always spoke highly of him, and to her, he was a loyal, reliable boss. My experience with him was nothing like that.

Behind closed doors, he was condescending, manipulative, and quick to blame, yet he somehow kept it hidden from everyone else.

I don’t think Susan ever doubted me outright, but I could tell my stories didn’t fully land with her because they didn’t fit the Eric she knew.

Then one day, that changed. She came back from a meeting with him, stood at the opening to my cubicle, and quietly said, “I see what you mean now. I saw it.” Something had shifted; he snapped at her for a mistake he made, and the mask dropped. Eight years of trust, gone in a flash.

He called her a few days later with a half-hearted apology and a handful of excuses. She accepted and moved on, but she was never the same with him again.

She still did her job, but the loyalty and effort he used to count on were no longer there.

💡That’s what I mean when I say the second thing to go is your employee. Sometimes they quit. Sometimes they stay. But either way, once trust is gone, the person you used to count on isn’t coming back.

Post Title: The first thing to go is trust. The second is your employee.

The Importance of Validation in the Workplace

Validation isn’t the same as agreement.

Back when I was an analyst, I spent two months building out a detailed model showing that we needed to change direction on a project.

👉 When I presented it, leadership thanked me for the thorough analysis, but nothing changed. I felt like I’d wasted two months of my life because I never cared much about compliments if my work was ignored.

I remember sitting in my manager’s office, explaining how demoralizing it felt, but instead of acknowledging my frustration, he kept trying to convince me my work did matter.

He told me it had made an impact and that leadership appreciated my insights even though they made no actual change.

The more he tried to comfort me, the more frustrated I became. I felt like he was asking me to ignore reality: “Believe what I’m telling you, not what you’re seeing.” In hindsight, I understand he meant well, but what I really needed in that moment was validation, not reassurance.

I didn’t need him to say I was right or that leadership had failed. I just needed to hear something like:
“I know it hurts when your work gets tossed aside because it doesn’t align with what leadership wants to do. I hope you’ll eventually find value in what you accomplished, even if it wasn’t used.”

That’s the thing about validation: it doesn’t mean you agree. It just means you’re willing to acknowledge someone else’s experience without trying to fix or reframe it.

💡So, the next time someone is hurting, try saying: “I can understand why you’re feeling that way. If I were in your shoes, I might feel the same.”

Because if you’d lived their life, seen what they’ve seen, and experienced what they’ve experienced, who’s to say you wouldn’t?

References: Karpman SB. A Game Free Life: The Definitive Book on the Drama Triangle and the Compassion Triangle by the Originator and Author. Drama Triangle Productions; 2014.

Post Title: People want you to agree, but they need to know you understand.

Balancing Authority and Connection for Lasting Influence

Power works, at first, because it gives a manager control over things like promotions, assignments, and budgets.

However, influence built on authority alone is always short-lived because once people no longer depend on you, they’ll stop listening.

👉 Connection, on the other hand, lasts. It’s built on shared outlooks, mutual respect, and the sense that “this person gets me.”

People are more open to influence when they see you as credible and relatable, and when they feel you understand their reality.

The strongest leaders I’ve worked with combine authority and connection. They use their formal authority to set clear direction and establish boundaries.

Yet they also earn trust by sharing what they’ve learned and adapting their communication to who they’re talking to.

💡 Power may get someone’s attention, but connection is what opens the door to real influence.

References: Frank JD, Frank JB. Persuasion and Healing: A Comparative Study of Psychotherapy. JHU Press; 1973.

Post Title: Influence comes from two things: power and connection. Leaders who only rely on the first won’t keep it for long.